In descending order from worst to best, or best to worst depending on how you look at it; sorry in advance <3:
It came out today that Donald Trump had to convince Mrs. Alan Dershowitz to let her husband represent the president in his upcoming Senate impeachment trial. Sources close to the president were confident: “If he can convince Melania to pretend she likes him, he can convince a wife to do anything.”
Jonathan Holloway will be appointed to the Presidency of Rutgers University later this week. Suburban New Jersey housing markets are exploding in value as the state prepares for the impending flight of the one white person left in Newark.
Leaked emails from CNN reveal that correspondent Jim Sciutto was originally supposed to cover the El Paso shooting in early August of last year. He was removed from the assignment, however, after concerns over his last name.